My dear friend Francois waxes poetic on the stages of a breakup. I find this really interesting - Francois has been in a handful of long-term relationships, while I haven’t been in a long-term relationship since college (wah! Poor ME!). This makes me a bit afraid of getting into a relationship (commitment-phobia rears its ugly head again…), but does give me a bit of hope as well…
This was originally posted in 2006. To me, this is the best post to come from this site in the nine years.
Ending a relationship can be the best or worst experience of your life. More often than not, it’s the latter. Having some experience in the area, I thought I would outline my thoughts on the stages of ‘the break up’.
The Beginning
Everyone sees it coming. Even if you convince yourself it’s not, time will eventually punch you in the face. If you go through ‘mini-break ups’ – where you both break up for weeks, days, hours, then get back together – the relationship is doomed. Sure, we all have fights, but actually breaking up for any length of time consistently is different, just end it. I see a lot of ‘couples’ bad mouth their partner when they are with their friends. I don’t see how you could bad mouth your significant other behind their back then still hope to carry on a serious relationship for any extended amount of time.
The signs are usually there. Unfortunately no one listens to their friends and they just remain in denial.
Step 1: Denial
Once you break up officially, the ‘break-upee’ wouldn’t believe it is really over. They will continue to act normally until they see that the relationship is fading and the other person is losing interest. This also goes for cheating. You will feel as though it didn’t happen, and deny even the possibility of such.
Step 2: Hysteria
After the initial denial of the event, panic sets in. Human nature is dependant on routine. Routine yields structure. Without structure in our lives, even the smallest life events can seem overwhelming. Cutting all ties between yourself and the person you have seen almost every day for X years is equivalent to setting your parents home on fire. Once everything is gone, any memory of the past years will be painful and cause all the feelings to come rushing back.
Step 3: Over-Compensation
After the general shock has set in, you start to frantically think of ways to ‘right the wrongs’ of the entire relationship. Then when your ex-significant other tells you why they have to end it, you attempt to fix everything. This can include extravagant romantic outings, gifts, love letters, increased interest in their hobbies. You basically try to make up for years of neglect in a matter of days or weeks. This induces a type of sensory overload for all involved and predictably fails horridly. There is always a slight chance this will prove successful – but for how long? If you get lucky and it works, you have only prolonged the inevitable, not altered it. Unfortunately, feelings are not easily avoidable. You can mask them with over-compensation, but they will inescapably return with increased force.
Step 4: Friends
After all hope of a romantic relationship is lost, you are left with two choices. You could:
1) Accept the fact that it is over. Cut all ties and start the grieving process. This is the best choice. Cuts the grieving time down, exhibits signs of a healthy mental state and is the all around best course of action.
2) Grab at whatever straws you can to keep the person close and maintain a pseudo form of normalcy until the huge climatic finally that normally involves psychical violence, property damage or both.
In the perfect world, ‘A’ would seem the most obvious choice. Sadly we don’t live in that world, or any world that even remotely resembles it. That said, ‘B’ the most popular choice.
Being ‘just friends’ is a clever method to cling to whatever you have left. Since you have known the person for a great deal of time, who would reject this offer? This is the most painful step of the entire process. Normally this ‘just friends’ is actually ‘just friends… that fuck’. By thinking the sexual part of the relationship will some how magically repair all the other aspects is foolish. During this time, one of you will meet another person – most likely the ‘rebound’ relationship. A relationship that is deader than the Third Reich.
Step 5: Jealousy
You are almost there! Jealousy is the catalyst that will evoke your sense of apathy! Simply put, you get so sick of the pain, so sick of the jealousy and the ‘oh my god, what is [Insert name] doing now? Are they with someone? Are they thinking about me? Do they care? What do I say when they return!?’ Months of questions like this grow thin. The emotional toll is too much for one to bear. Endless thoughts, tears, and caring wears on you until you reach the breaking point and the most important step in the entire process…
Step 6: Acceptance
After being hit in the face with a shovel emotionally for months, you are finally ready to let go. You could have skipped Steps 4 and 5 and went directly here from Step 3, but that would be too easy, right? After everything, the break up, the panic, and the pain, nothing seems better than ending it right there. This can take months, and in extreme cases years to happen. When it does, all contact is broken. All ties are cut, everything that could possibly cause you to cross paths in the future are reconciled. With acceptance comes healing. Thoughts about the other person will persist, everyday, non stop. Sadly the only thing that can stop this is time. ‘Out of sight, out of mind’ is not just a cliché; it’s your only hope. Memories will erode, and you are free to make new ones.
The End
This whole process can take a very long time – even years in some cases. I am writing this in hopes that someone that has not gone through this can learn something. I have been in every stage, been through every scenario. I know it can seem bleak at times, but I promise it will get better in time. So cheer up Emo kid, there is someone even better for you out there.
